Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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