She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
