Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
