I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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