yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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