Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
