I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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