Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
