I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
