he wants to bone in the snuggie
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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