Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
