I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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