is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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