he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
