His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
