I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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