I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
