At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
