I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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