I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
