i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
