Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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