is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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