I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
