Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
