The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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