Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
