1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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