my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
this is an emotional support booty call
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize