i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
