I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We need a shit load of segways right now
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize