dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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