why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
