i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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