When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize