A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
