don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You made out with two different species that night
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
