i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
