she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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