even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Holy sore nipples Batman
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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