This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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