Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
