ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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