Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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