How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
