I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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