i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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