you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
