she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
