so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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