Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
