I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We need a shit load of segways right now
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
