Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
