Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
