can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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