id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
