I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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