So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
