There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
