I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
