ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
