marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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